


I Can't Decide

by FoxCollector



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Changing Feelings, Confused Shizuo, Hypocrisy, In the Beginning, M/M, Rough Sex, Shizaya - Freeform, ah sweet hypocrisy, also sort of glutton for punishment Izaya, but also aftercare, but also par for the course for these two, impatient Izaya, kind of toxic relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 10:44:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12011085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxCollector/pseuds/FoxCollector
Summary: “Come on, Shizu-chan, I came all the way over here just so you could ruin me,” Izaya says. He arches his body up from the wall just enough that they’re touching. His eyes are bright, lip curling on the thrill of anticipation.“Oh yeah?” Shizuo says, and it’s more of a growl. He tightens his hold on Izaya’s too thin wrists – knows it will leave marks, also knows that Izaya loves it.“Yeah,” Izaya purrs, even though Shizuo was being rhetorical. “I had a pretty good day, thought maybe you’d want to ruin it.”





	I Can't Decide

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so I'm not super happy with the way this came out, but I hope it's enjoyable. I had the most fun with the beginning, so maybe I should have kept it short. Oh well.
> 
> Title comes from the Scissor Sisters song of the same title, and honestly, if that song doesn't sum up these two, I don't know what does.
> 
> Read, enjoy, review!

            “Come on, Shizu-chan, I came all the way over here just so you could ruin me,” Izaya says. He arches his body up from the wall just enough that they’re touching. His eyes are bright, lip curling on the thrill of anticipation.

            “Oh yeah?” Shizuo says, and it’s more of a growl. He tightens his hold on Izaya’s too thin wrists – knows it will leave marks, also knows that Izaya loves it.

            “Yeah,” Izaya purrs, even though Shizuo was being rhetorical. “I had a pretty good day, thought maybe you’d want to ruin it.”

            Shizuo has no idea what constitutes a good day for the other man, he figures it probably involves ruining people’s lives though, so Izaya probably deserves to be ruined in return. It’s not the same though. They both know Izaya wants it. Shizuo would be lying if he said he didn’t want it either – though it would be so gratifying to shut Izaya down.

            “You thought right,” Shizuo says, just to say something. Just to keep playing.

            He hates this, he does, using each other like this.

            But he’s so afraid of hurting someone he actually cares about – with Izaya he doesn’t have to worry so much, he _likes_ it. And afterwards Shizuo gets to be soft, gets to prove that he doesn’t only hurt, and break – that he can fix things too. He can take the shattered edges of Izaya and pull them into something less jagged, something calm, and whole, even if only for the night. It pulls him together, too. Proves he’s not a monster, almost immediately after he proves he is one.

            It doesn’t matter if he’s using Izaya though, because Izaya is using him right back. Shizuo wonders if there’s something deep inside Izaya telling him he needs to punish himself, makes him seek out the abuse Shizuo so willingly gives.

            Izaya heaves a sigh beneath him.

            “Did you go to that special place in your head again?” he asks. He tilts his head, affecting exasperation. “Honestly, I thought you’d outgrow that.”

            “Shut up,” Shizuo tells him.  He leans in, runs his tongue along Izaya’s neck, then bites hard. It’s almost hard enough to break the skin.

            Izaya gasps. “That’s better.”

            Shizuo presses him hard against the wall, pushes between his thighs with one leg, leaning in just enough to rub it against the erection pushing against the fly of Izaya’s too-tight jeans. He feels the way Izaya cants his hips to get some friction, and he pushes up harder.

            “Shizu-” is what Izaya gets out before Shizuo kisses him hard.

            Izaya is always sharp and biting, but Shizuo kisses fiercely, like maybe they’re lovers and not something else entirely

            Shizuo steps back, steps on the set of lock picks he’d knocked out of Izaya’s hand and probably breaks them. Oh well, serves the bastard right for breaking into his apartment. What did he think was going to happen?

            Well, probably this.

            Shizuo’s own pants are a little tighter than he might like, and he hates that Izaya can always rile him up so easily. It doesn’t matter where they are, Izaya is always able to get a rise out of him, even if it’s only violence.

            And it seems like it’s always violence.

            For a moment Shizuo is so incredibly angry at himself. At Izaya. He spins Izaya around, presses him hard against the wall. He can’t bear to look at that face, at those dark eyes, or the way Izaya’s mouth always opens on heat when Shizuo is too rough. He can’t look at that. Doesn’t know what he might do if he does.

            So he settles for releasing Izaya’s hands, knowing Izaya will keep them poised to brace himself, and reaching around to open Izaya’s pants.

            He just wants to get it over with.

            He wants to get to the part where he can be soft, because he can’t be soft right now, won’t allow himself to. That would change things, and he isn’t ready for that. He’s aware of the hypocrisy of it all. He hates it, but he won’t change it.

            Well, it’s his own problem.

            Izaya makes a frustrated noise. “Did your brain stall?”

            Shizuo jerks Izaya’s pants open and down. He isn’t surprised at all to find that Izaya has forgone underwear. This is exactly what he wanted to happen, after all. He runs his hands up, hauling Izaya’s shirt off. He’s rough, fingers pinching nipples and gripping hips hard enough to bruise, but Izaya pushes into it like it’s good.

            Shizuo presses himself against Izaya’s back, bites at the back of Izaya’s neck while he opens his own pants. He frees his own erection, and drags it along Izaya’s ass.

            Izaya squirms. “That’s not going to happen unless you prep me first.”

            “Almost surprised you didn’t prep yourself before you came,” Shizuo says.

            “Thought about it.” Izaya purrs. “Maybe next time.”

            Shizuo’s lip twists. _Next time_. As much as he hates it, he knows there will be a next time. Has no doubt, even though he’s almost disgusted at the idea.

            “Lube?” Shizuo asks.

            “You just assume I brought some?”

            Shizuo doesn’t say anything. He knows Izaya brought some.

            Izaya sighs. “Right pocket.”

            Shizuo bends, dragging down Izaya’s back so he can fish around in the pants bunched at Izaya’s knees. He pauses to bite Izaya’s thigh, and his hip, and then once on the ass just for good measure while his fingers close on the small bottle. Izaya is twitching beneath him, he barely moves, even though he could be running hands over himself. It’s a self-imposed punishment Shizuo has noticed a few times before. Izaya won’t touch himself unless Shizuo tells him to. Well, that’s just fine.

            Shizuo pops the cap, spreads lube over his fingers, and this is always something he actually tries to be careful with. Shinra told him once that he could make someone bleed doing this, and the thought alone of having to explain what happened is mortifying. So for this, he is careful. Not gentle, mind, but careful.

            He slides his fingers between Izaya’s cheeks, feels the way Izaya tries to make himself relax into it even while his whole body thrums with arousal.

            Shizuo pushes a finger in, goes slow, and drags it along inside. Izaya thuds his head against the wall.

            “Why are you always so slow with this?” Izaya asks. It sounds like his teeth are clenched.

            Shizuo answers by sticking another finger in alongside the first. “Better?”

            “Barely. You’re famous for being a monster. If I didn’t know better I’d think you were afraid,” Izaya says to the wall. He pushes his ass out just a bit, allowing a slightly better angle.

            Shizuo rubs himself along Izaya’s lower back, smearing pre-come in an obscene line. “You’re the one who wanted to start with the fingers, flea.”

            “That’s just common sense.” Izaya hums when Shizuo rubs in deeper.

            Shizuo adds another finger, slowly scissoring, twisting, feeling the give and the way Izaya is stretching around him.

            “Probably good enough,” Izaya says. He sounds breathless and Shizuo is glad he can’t see his face.

            Shizuo draws his fingers back, watching as they slide out so he can see the way Izaya clenches on air. He smears lube over himself without grace.

            But that’s where he cuts off.

            He shoves his way in, pushing Izaya up flush against the wall. The way Izaya clenches while he tries to adjust, voice caught on a moan, makes him shudder. He grips Izaya’s hips hard. There will be bruises there, dark ones that will linger for days.

            Good.

            He barely gives Izaya time to get used to it before he’s pulling out and pushing back in. He isn’t gentle anymore. He sets a brutal pace, one that he can tell himself is for him, and not for the way Izaya arches his back and digs his nails into the wall in front of him.

            It’s rough, and slick, and good, and it’s everything he wants and everything he doesn’t want. He grits his teeth on a groan and reaches around to tug at Izaya’s erection. It makes Izaya moan loudly and clench down hard. He’s always so responsive. It makes Shizuo wonder what it would be like to go slow and explore Izaya’s body with his mouth, but he hates those thoughts, shoves them back behind the door labelled ‘monster’ he keeps like a threat in his own mind.

            He grips Izaya, jerking him off roughly, and he leans in to bite at his shoulders instead of kiss.

            It isn’t long before Izaya cries out, coming over Shizuo’s hand and clenching hard on his cock, and it pushes Shizuo over the edge only seconds later.

            He’ll never admit that he gets off on Izaya getting off, but it’s happened a few times.

            And now. Now he gets to be gentle. When he pulls out and releases Izaya, the other man sways slightly, and Shizuo picks him up.

            He takes Izaya to his own bed, shoves the sheets back and lays him out like he doesn’t hate him. He still doesn’t want to look at Izaya’s face, but he makes himself do it anyway. Izaya’s pointedly does not make eye contact.

            There’s something around his eyes that Shizuo can’t read, but Izaya doesn’t try to get up. This is as much a part of their silent agreement as the sex. And Shizuo always takes his time, and Izaya lets him.

            He cleans Izaya off and out and tucks him into bed like maybe they’re a normal couple. He doesn’t like how quiet Izaya always is, like he’s a doll and not a person at all. It’s unnerving, but Shizuo supposes he can’t have everything.

            He climbs in on the other side of the bed.

            Izaya sighs. “What are we doing?”

            “Dunno. Making it up as I go.” Shizuo shrugs. He shuts the light off.

            Izaya never stays the whole night, but that doesn’t matter so much.

            “Well, I, for one, like to know what’s going on.” Izaya huffs. He slides closer beneath the fabric, up along Shizuo’s side.

            It makes something in Shizuo’s stomach clench.

            Izaya lies curled up against him. He doesn’t say anything else, but Shizuo still can’t close his eyes and sleep.

            There’s something caught in his gut, twisting around.

            Maybe… maybe he does want things to change.


End file.
